(Crappy Title Here)

How To Write A Terrible Essay With A Title That Is Ridiculously Long and Unnecessary, And It is A Run On Sentence

Under no circumstances should your first sentence be appealing. It should not be shocking, deep, or out of the ordinary. Avoid interesting words that may, just for the sake of vocabulary, hold the reader’s attention. Make this paragraph too long, with far too few actual facts or opinions to warrant its word count. Throughout this essay, the actions or events described should be tremendously unremarkable.
Start this paragraph with some sort of bigoted generality. Don’t write anything too outrageous; your readers may become interested. At least half of your sentences in this paragraph should follow this formula: I (verb) (noun). Follow these statements with a run on sentence and a misused semicolon. Halfway through the paragraph remember your first statement and expand on it. Compare and contrast unrelated events and use its conclusion to halfheartedly prove your point. If you’re feeling edgy, say you will describe something later in the essay, and then forget about it.
Your readers are not supposed to get this far. This is the point of no return; they will finish reading this essay. Absolutely do not reward their efforts. They have slogged through this quagmire of nonsense only to land in your pool of boredom! Where before your writing was devoid of any description, suddenly it will be overwhelmed by tedious explanations. Express your fascination for Tupperware and rare models of extension cords. Remember that adjectives such as “very” can be repeated several times for dramatic emphasis while still being grammatically correct. In the case that you accidentally explain an idea, misspell a four-letter word and use the wrong “there.” End this paragraph with a significant idea, undermined by being encased in the words “maybe” and “I think.”
Your last paragraph should start weak and end with a whimper. Begin by misquoting a historically insignificant figure. Slip in a comic non sequitur that is either revolting or exceptionally unclear. Insert a smiley face. This should persuade your readers that their immensely low opinion of you was drastically overestimated. Do not disappoint them now (or rather, do). Your last few lines should sum up important events that you forgot to include. Finish by quoting yourself.

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